Finalhaven

                                                                               Nov. 27, 2007

Dear Jesse,

      I don’t know how to start this letter because I’m writing this in midmorning. So first let me greet you a good day. 

     I’m writing you this because up till now, my world’s breaking apart and this is the only way I could talk to you about what I am feeling right now. I really can’t understand myself. I’m still in love with you even after I said that it is over.

     Remember the time I first met you? Well actually, I met you long before you met me. You were just a high school guy back then studying where I transferred to your school. And even the time you went to my brother’s birthday, although it was only in a picture that I saw you. Well, all I know is that after I talked to you one time, we gradually became friends. And during that summer, we eventually became good friends. I haven’t noticed it earlier but I developed my feelings for you that time. Back then, we were as close as ever. Ha! Good old days. I can still feel the time that we accidentally went to school together and then some friends of yours just happened to ride the same jeepney we were in. I was so happy and even now that we met each other.

     Was it fate that brought us close to one another? I mean after all, I’m a lot older than you and still, here we are at the same class. I realized that of all these times, I was destined to really have met you. You’re wondering why of course. But when look at it, everything had been a coincidence of fate. Well, first, I got dropped out and repeat before I graduated at high school. Then we entered college at the same time. And not only that, we shifted from our “main” course after we decided to take the present. And it just so happened that we incidentally became classmates. What are the odds of that happening? But I thank God for doing that because, alas, I had found a new friend in the form of you.

     I just didn’t expect things to go that far. I fell in love with you. But I have yet to confirm that feeling. I think it was your being sweet and yet gentleness that made me fall. I really don’t know but what I know is that I’m happy when we’re together. All the times we shared, it was such a wondrous time for me that I want to cherish for the rest of my life.

     As we grew closer, I felt that I could trust you more than the others. That’s why I sent you that message containing my secret. You’re the very first person that I decided to tell with all my courage. Well of course, you became a dear to me that I felt it is a necessary thing to do.

     I think it’s the best time to tell you this. Do you remember the summer incident? I was very depressed that time that I decided to have plans of my own. I went out by myself just so that I could take my minds off things. I was jealous back then, jealous of those persons making you laugh and happy. It’s just I’m jealous of the persons that could make you happy. And I feel envious of those people. Another thing, while we were having our duties there in Manila, I was so desperate that when our CI started his lecture, I was crying then and sending messages to my friends just so I could find a way to suppress my emotions during that time. I don’t expect you to believe that but it really is. I was depressed because of you. I was afraid of losing you to them. I just don’t know what to do.

     I have to stop this from getting out of hand because I know it is wrong. That’s the reason why sometimes, I am cold towards you. I want to have a wall between us, a borderline that could tell me that I’m way out of my area. I wish it was that easy, but every time I did it, you work your charms and it never fails. The walls suddenly just collapse and the borderline disappears. That’s when I decided to have my boyfriend to stop this feeling from getting out of hand. I said to myself, “The very first person to ask me will be lucky one.” Just what I said to you in one of my text, “Before I decide to say yes to my suitor, I want to tell you that you’re the person I really love! Remember why I was depressed that summer? It’s because I love you!”

     I thought that after having my boyfriend, I would have then put a barrier between us. I should have thought of this longer. I didn’t mean to use other but it’s the only way I could think of by that time. I’m just trying to fool myself that it is over when the truth is it is not. I really don’t know what to do. I’m confused. My mind says to move on but my heart always turns to you. What should I do?

     And then it happened! You were angry at me. At first I did not know until the day I felt the coldness in you. I was then shocked all of a sudden. I decided to ask for your forgiveness hoping that everything will turn out okay. I’m waiting for just one reply, but you didn’t send any. So I convinced myself that you just don’t have any load or something and tomorrow will be alright. But I was wrong to hope that! The coldness is still there, the silent treatment brings forth the pain. I tried one more time, but still no use. I cried the night after knowing that you already deleted me as one of your friends in friendster. So I tried to talk to the one most close to you. I sent him a message saying what a fool I have become.

     But of all this, I really thank you for what you did. In this way, I no longer feel this pain, I guess it is. But still, when I posted a bulletin message on friendster, I cried and cried until I finished posting it. And the same goes for here. From the date time wrote this to the time I finished, tears just fell out of my eyes. I can’t control them. I guess it is the body’s defense for the pain that I am feeling right now.

     So now you know the story, I’m such an idiot when I fall in love. I can’t help it; it’s the second time that I felt this feeling. But come to think of it, the first one was just a puppy love. I guess this is my karma. But in the very least, I was true to my feelings. I cannot face it, but I can somehow manage it but I don’t know for how long.

     Before I end this letter, I want to ask again for your forgiveness. I’m really sorry for all the troubles I had caused you. Even though I am bounded by this feeling, repressing it is the best option I have right now.

     “Our paths they did crossed though I cannot say just why. We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye. And who’ll hear the echoes of stories never told? Let them ring out loud till they unfold…Was it faith? That brought us close and now leaves me behind” (Excerpts from Melodies of Life from FFIX).

     I guess this is it then! It’s already 4 o’clock in the morning. I’ll leave fate to decide and destiny to guide me through the next scenes. I thank you for being a dear friend to me and again sorry for those things I did. Please take care always. Ciao!

Sincerely yours,

Lady Issa

P.S. Sorry for this, i just thought that this could help to stop all of the pain I am feeling right now. I just don’t want to cry anymore.

Sorry sa mahal ko ngyn, I really have to tell what’s bugging me for the last 7 months.

Hai naku buhay nga namn. I thought that it was over until the day that I find out that things are getting more and more complicated.

Minahal ko xa for the last 7 months na hindi nia alam until I confessed my feelings.

Hai, alam ko na dati pa, hindi kmi tlgang magkakatuluyan, but as time goes by, mas napapalapit pa xa sa akin.

Hindi nmn sa itsura nia ako na-inluv (sa mata cguro) but dun sa isang bagay nagustuhan ko sa kanya - kung panu nya ako napapasaya sa tuwing kasama ko sya

I tried to hide it but it’s no good.

Mas lalo lng ako nasasaktan knowing that kailanman, hindi ko sya makukuha. Naging malungkot ako ng ilang araw until makarecover. I said to myself, d dapat ako ma-inluv sa kanya but the same thing goes – ma fall in-luv again at masaktan facing the truth.

Haiz nga nmn ang buhay, prang layp d ba? Well, just one day, I gathered all of my courage at cnabi ko na xa ung mahal ko at ng dahilan kung bakit ako nagkakaganun. I thought that after telling it, makokontrol ko itong damdamin ko. Pero mali pla ako, mas lalo lng akong nasaktan. Ng dahil sa isang dahilan kung bkit up until now, deadma n ako sa paningin nia. It seems that I don’t exist. D ko nmn masisi kc ako rin ang mali. I cried again, but this time, it hurts a lot than usual. Ang sakit-sakit kc I felt bitter to myself. Bkit ko p kea cnabi sa kanya? Ang tanga-tanga ko 2loy…haiz…

I tried to say sorry pero anu ung ginawa nia? Binura lng nia ako sa friend list nia! It only means that even our friendship is no more. Yes, it hurts a lot but I got to face it. My fault, my responsibility. Napakadrama ko tlga! Khit sa mga gm ko xa p rin ang dinadala ko. Well, I really have to thank my friends who were there to ease my pain and suffering. And now, I’m writing this to ease my mind and make one thing clear – Mahal at minahal ko xa. I want to end this misery kea I dedicated my poem to that one and only person. May All Soul Die…

Final Haven – be this end

A last place of safety
That neither heaven nor hell knows

A place where I want to be

Where no hard wind blows

A place where I want to be

A place where I will be

A place just for you and me
A place where all will be

I want to end this misery

Living in a world of lies

And live where I want to be

Where no one ever cries

Somewhere down the river

Below the sacred heaven
I’ll lay my hands to rest there
On a place they call final haven

This and my upcoming story are dedicated to our story from which I say all my sorry and thank you. For all the memories that we had shared together, I’m afraid I have to erase everything from now on. To stop this hurt, I take the cowards’ way of doing it, trying to repress bitter memories, isolating everything that took place between us – it is like all these times, you did not exist within me.

Well then, goodbye and I wish for u all the happiness in the world.

     It was a fine afternoon that Tonio got the news of moving to another place. His mother did not have any more resources to save their pawned house. It was such a depressing moment that for almost nine years of living in the same neighborhood would he not think of ever moving away from that old place. Never in his mind came the thought that something like this would ever happen. They have moved to the new place in Mayapa. It was a funny thing though that Tonio still remembered this place when he was studying in SFACS. They would walk here together with his classmates whenever they didn’t ride the tricycle to get to the jeepney stop.

     Being here in the new place made Tonio miss his old friends.

     “Will I have any friends here? Will they accept me as who I really am?”

These questions made Tonio even sadder.

     Time passed by for Tonio as he studied in the local school. He made new friends with his new classmates. But not one of them lived in the same block as he was. He felt all alone every time he went back home. He would always get the remote and watch television or listen to his favorite music. He would sometimes return to the old place and saw his friends there.

     A year had passed since they moved. In Tonio’s surprised, there’s a new playstation (PS) rental down the neighborhood. He was happy to see that this could mean that could find new friends here. He was right! In as short as one week, he met new friends. Bunso was the first and Andoy the next. These two were manning the place, then Tano and JJ who were his co-players. But only one of them had caught his eyes. It was Iñigo, the only one with the good looks. He was called Egoy by the others and was only reaching his puberty stage.

     Months had pass, Tonio and Egoy had became friends. They shared the same interest when it comes to PS games. Tonio would always teach Egoy some tricks to get pass a certain level. On the other hand, Egoy would share his memory card and some PS games he had bought. The two nonetheless, became good friends. Tonio’s graduation and his enrolment in the same school as Egoy’s really got them a lot closer to one another. Tonio was in college then while Egoy was in his junior high school year. Tonio would ask Egoy for some facts about the school for his college orientation. There came a time that Egoy asked Tonio to take a ride with him to school in their van. Tonio gladly accepted the offer and after that, everyday they would go to school together. The bonds grew a little stronger now as Tonio and Egoy became best friends. Egoy would always tell his depressions to Tonio. Tonio would then hear Egoy out and gave him some advice. Secrets were shared between them but one. Tonio was having a hard time telling it to Egoy for he might just leave him behind. The deepest secret that he couldn’t share even to his family: he was a bisexual. Only his old friends knew about this and not another soul. This was the only one that kept him from socializing more. He feared that his family would find out and not only that, he also feared of being alone again. Not this time, especially if he’s into Egoy, his new best friend. Tonio knew Egoy by heart, even what goes inside his mind. He knew Egoy would not want a third sex to be his friend, not especially when Egoy had a trauma with one. Egoy told him everything about it – how he was molested when he was still twelve. It was such a horrible experience that Egoy wouldn’t forget. This story made Tonio realized that he must limit himself to Egoy. A year after the death of his stepfather, Tonio’s family had to move again, this time, to their relative in the heart of Calamba, about five to eight kilometers away from Mayapa. Tonio had prepared for this. He knew that this would happen. Since they went to the same school, he did not fear of becoming alone, of losing his best friend. And when they moved, it was such a sweet sorrow, tears fell like rain, raging like a storm. The two would always see each other at school – every morning during break time, afternoon during lunchtime and sometimes, even in the evening when they were going home. But just after a year, everything had changed. Egoy was now in his freshman year as a college student and Tonio, now obsessed with his works, found it hard to even take a minute of his time to relax. Both became busy to their new profound interests. But still, Tonio was anxious to see Egoy. He wondered how Egoy was doing. “How I miss him! I really do miss him. I wish I could find some time to talk to him.” One day, while he was in the surfing lab, Tonio stumbled upon a website. It was mplm.com, a site for bisexuals like him. He felt a little insecure at first. He looked at his back for nosy people but he found none. So he continued to surf the site and even uploaded some of his pictures. He thought that this could be his way of expressing himself, of telling the world who he really was. The next morning, Tonio went again to the surfing lab. He found Mikey there waiting in line. “Hey…You look thinner at your picture,” said Mikey. Tonio was surprised, his heart beat fast. “Huh?” “I looked at your mplm pics.” “Oh! I do look thin at my pictures. Don’t I,” Tonio felt nervous. What was Tonio to do now that someone in school knew of his secret? How could he handle the shame? He was not ready at that time. No matter, Tonio was confident enough that Mikey won’t tell a single soul. Then he thought of its purpose, knowing it helped him calm down. Rumors spread throughout the school; it spreads like a forest fire – burning everything in its path until it exhausts itself. But lucky for Tonio, those who only knew the truth were the discreet and some gays that saw his account in mplm. Some believed it and some didn’t. Still, many were curious about it. “But who could have spread it?” He had only one suspect. It was Mikey! He was the only one that knew of this. But then again, could Tonio blame Mikey? As he expected, many would know of this, maybe sooner, maybe later. Tonio had just gotten from the library. He was there until 7:30 in the evening. He walked faster than usual. “Oh no. I shouldn’t have stayed long. I hope there are still jeeps going to Calamba.” To his surprised, he found Egoy walking with his friends. Egoy did not notice Tonio as he walked by them. Tonio thought of surprising Egoy. He waited for the right moment until Egoy was facing his back at him. He quickly pinched Egoy at his right arm. Egoy looked back at Tonio. His smile cracked, he was surprised to see Egoy’s face. It wasn’t the reaction he intended to see. Egoy looked at him with blazing eyes. He was furious at him. Then Egoy rode on the jeepney. Tonio couldn’t believe what he saw and kept thinking at what had just happened. Then Egoy suddenly shouted to him in a very crisp Tagalog: “Gago ka! Sapakin kita diyan eh! BAKLA!” Having heard those words, Tonio did not look back. “Maybe it was too dark for him to recognize me. Or maybe because of my posture that I looked like a gay. Or maybe…just maybe…he knows.” Tonio was deeply hurt that he can’t accept the fact that someone could ever shouted to him like that. Not anyone…especially Egoy. After three long years of friendship did he ever expected something like that would happen. He waited for Egoy to say he’s sorry. He wanted to hear Egoy asking for forgiveness. He even thought of asking forgiveness if Egoy didn’t But days, weeks, even months had passed and nothing. Egoy won’t even talk to him. Not even a look in the eye or anything that could say that he was his friend. But still, Tonio hoped that their friendship could be saved. One night, while inside the jeep, Tonio was surprised to see Egoy boarding. But as soon as Egoy was seated, he did not even look at him. Tonio was looking at Egoy but kept on averting his eyes on him. Egoy grabbed his cell phone and made an SMS. Tonio then just looked at the dark streets the jeep was going. He reminisced about their past. It seemed like it was just yesterday. Those days he missed so much. Every time he took a glimpse at Egoy, he felt this unusual pain, a pain that he felt for the first time in his life. It hurt like nothing before. And with that, Tonio got off the jeep, looked at the fading vehicle and walked through the dark alley, all alone in the coldness of the night.

How can the sun shine fully
In the middle of the night?
In the amidst of darkness
Can there be a light so bright?
So bright that I cannot see
Blinded by the sight of beauty
Beauty that only one holds
For no one can be compared

Be compared to such beauty
Is like thy heaven to earth
To earth such beauty is rare
For only I have seen it
Seen it with my own two eyes
For it is in front of me
But for some reason that lies
I can’t tell what is inside

     Sept. 1 is my birthday and will always be. But one thing for sure, this year is a bit different. I have a really good time. First thing that happened is a swimming party (though it’s my PE Swimming Class, can I say it’s a party? duh!). I’m so happy during that time. It’s different from the usual. My classmates and I really got along well and we were all playing around after diving practice.

     Next thing was that I came home and went to Laguna College of Business and Arts (LCBA) at aroung 2:00pm and waited for my HS best friend Ate Jayne (I’m much older than her in years >.<). I thought her to play gunbound (yeah! teaching her to fool around sometimes ^_^). And then we ate at our house bucket meal at KFC (my mama’s blowout!!!). I feel so happy that I overexcite my self…

     Later that night, before ate Jayne could ride home, we saw Andoi walking alongside LCBA. We called him and boom! Another happy moment. After ate Jayne went home, me and Andoi had gone our way. He cut classes just to be with me (isn’t that sweet of him). And eventually, we played gunbound and RoseOnline (hehehe). It’s very exciting to see someone close during HS days after a long time (to tell you the truth, me, ate Jayne and Andoi were the bests of pals during our HS days ^_^).

     Well now, I think that this was the most memorable birthday that I had in my entire life (even though I lost a lot of dough though >.<). "The best of times cannot be measured but it could be treasured"